Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Did it Help?

"Did it help?"

The question, as vague as it may have seemed on the surface, was anything but vague in reality. I was at Erin Knightley's house, the first time the two of us had gotten together since I'd completed writing BREAKAWAY, and I knew exactly what she was asking me.

You see, Erin knew that I had written a romance novel about a woman who'd been raped and, in the aftermath of her rape, had suffered from panic attacks. Not only did Erin know the subject matter of my book, but she knew some of my past--enough to know where the idea for writing a character like that would have come from. She'd been the first person I'd told about my panic attacks, after something (completely innocent!) she'd said to me one day in passing had triggered one. I'd experienced panic attacks before that day, but I hadn't recognized them for what they were, and I hadn't pieced together what triggered them. That day I figured it out, and not long afterward I told Erin about it.

It could only help to talk about it, even if it was difficult.

Readers have asked me since I first posted the unedited chapters of BREAKAWAY on my blog how I would have come up with the idea of a character who has panic attacks after being raped, how I could understand and write so clearly and coherently about what a panic attack feels like. I know because I've been there. I thought of it because I've experienced it.

Maybe a week before that day at Erin's house, I had been working at Starbucks one afternoon with Sabrina Jeffries. I'd recently posted the first chapter of BREAKAWAY on my blog. At one point, Sabrina had turned to me and asked if I'd based the character on myself. She had that look writer's have, when we recognize bits of our author-friends in the characters they write. And, like with Erin, she knew some of my past. Enough of it that it probably wasn't hard to piece together at least as much as she did.

Even though my characters are not me--and Dana Campbell, the heroine of BREAKAWAY is most definitely not me in so many ways--there are always bits and pieces of me, of my life, my personality, of the people I've known and loved. Those pieces find their way into the make-up of the characters because it is what I know. This one part of Dana just happens to be very much a part of me, too.

I was raped.

It was date rape. I'd said no. He'd stopped at first. But then he'd started again, and he'd kept going, and I was young and scared and insecure, and I didn't know what to do. It didn't take too many repetitions of this pattern before I stopped saying no.

He taught me that no didn't mean anything, at least not when it was coming from me. He taught me that I had to do what others wanted of me, whether it was what I wanted or not.

He was wrong, but I didn't know it at the time. I still have to fight to remember how very wrong he was.

It had happened a few times, and each time I hated myself a little more...until I hated myself so much that I couldn't function. I stopped answering my phone. I stopped answering my door. I stopped going to work. I curled up inside myself and wished I could undo everything.

When that didn't work, I tried to go back to my life as usual. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong, that nothing had happened. That didn't work either.

Then I ran away. I packed up, sold almost everything I owned, and moved from Texas to Alaska. I loved Alaska, but I still hated myself.

No matter what I did, I couldn't get away from myself, from all the shame and self-loathing and worthlessness I felt on the inside.

Over the next year, I gained about a hundred pounds. Looking back on it, I realize that was a subconscious move on my part. I was trying to make myself unattractive, so that no man would ever want to do something like that to me again.

Then I only hated myself more.

Eventually, I got into some counseling. It took several years, but I finally understood that I had been raped, not that I had simply made stupid decisions. I gradually grew in confidence. I stopped hating myself and even began to love myself a little. That last part--loving myself--is still hard, but I work on it every day. I started to figure out what I wanted out of life, and I started working toward it.

But I still couldn't bring myself to have a relationship with a man--at least not a romantic relationship.

It's not that I don't want one. I do. On an emotional level, I know that I'm ready for one. I've been ready for one for quite a while. At this point in time, I can't because of my panic attacks.

Over the years, friends have tried to set me up on casual dates. Not anything serious--more as friends. Each time that's happened, I've had a panic attack. At one point recently, I'd thought I was ready. I made a profile on a matchmaking website. As soon as a man contacted me through it, I had a panic attack. In my living room. While I was completely alone, other than my two cats.

So I knew exactly what Erin was asking me that day when she asked, "Did it help?"

I couldn't really answer her, though. All I could do was cry and stutter and mumble my way through an attempt at an answer which didn't even make sense to me.

The truth is--I don't know.

I am both a very analytical and highly emotional person. I spend a great deal of time trying to understand myself, trying to think through how and why I react in certain ways, trying to reorganize my thought patterns and my often overly emotional responses to things so that I can grow as a person. It's a slow, cumbersome process. It only takes a moment to destroy something. It takes years to rebuild.

I'm still rebuilding.

In writing about Dana Campbell, a character who went through a similar experience which resulted in the same sort of physical responses, I was able to confront it at least somewhat. I was able to at the very least conceive a means of getting through the panic. Would it work in a real life setting? Would it work for me? Without trying, I can only make wild, stab-in-the-dark guesses.

Which means that I have to try. I have to somehow screw up enough courage, to be brave enough to try something that I want but am terrified of.

So...did it help?

You tell me.

32 comments:

  1. This is such a brave post. Date rape often gets over looked. I am so sorry this happened to you. Prayers.

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    1. Thanks, Sarah. And yes, date rape IS often overlooked. That is a big part of the reason I felt it was so important to talk about it and what it can do to someone.

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  2. This is the bravest blog post I've ever read. You know you have my support and I think you are so amazing. Talented, smart, a survivor. Thanks for sharing this my friend. I can't wait to read the book.

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    1. Thanks, Rebecca. I'm glad to know I have so many people beside me on this.

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  3. You are brave. You are amazing. And you are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. And healing. And helping us all heal. xxoo

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    1. Thanks, Alexandra. I can only hope that through sharing my story, and/or through writing that book, that I can help someone who's been in a similar situation to heal. Rape, and date rape in particular, is all too often a silent crime.

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  4. Catherine,
    Thank you for being brave and posting this blog post. I know it is going to help many people. I can relate to you with panic attacks- they are terrible and can come about when you least expect them.

    You are an amazing woman that is courageous and strong while working through this terrible experience.

    Your writing and experience is going to help many others and inspire them to work through their fears (me included).

    *hugs*

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    1. Thanks, Lindsey. :) Since I released Breakaway, I've talked to more and more people who experience panic attacks. I feel like I'm lucky, in that I know what triggers mine and that they don't happen very often. There are so many people who suffer from them who haven't determined a trigger or a way to avoid them.

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  5. Hey, girl! I do hope that if it doesn't help in the beginning, it helps eventually. I truly believe that the more we write out and talk out our issues, the more manageable they become. Just looking in from the outside, it seems to me that you are coping with it in a very healthy way. That you are finding your way back to some sort of normalcy (if there ever really is such a thing).

    Just know that you have friends who think you are a truly wonderful person. And who are rooting for you every step of the way!

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    1. Thanks, Sabrina! And I wholeheartedly agree with you on writing out/talking out our issues. I think it was much of what led me to write in the first place--needing to find a means of getting all of the junk out of me. :)

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  6. I'm so sorry, Catherine. Thank you for this post. It may well help someone else who has gone or potentially will go through something similar.

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    1. Thanks, Valerie. That's my ultimate goal with this--to help others who've gone through similar situations. :)

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  7. I'm proud of you for so many reasons - writing such a deeply emotional and beautiful story, being so honest and open in this post, and refusing to let your past rule your future, to name a few. Big hugs and kudos to you!

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    1. Thanks, Erin...especially for just letting me cry. Sometimes I need a good cry. :)

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  8. Catherine, thank you for sharing your story. I do believe that writing is therapy. It's helped me and I pray that it helps you to continue healing. Hugs to you!

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    1. Thanks, Jan! And yes, writing has been the best sort of therapy for me for a long while. I hope it continues to be the same for you.

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  9. We're so proud of you for speaking out and posting about this painful memory. There are many out there who are still fighting this and you're one of them who's healing from sharing it with us. We Thank You for believing and trusting us, your readers, followers, friends, and families in giving us a part of you, to carry and share. Thank you. Hugs and many more hugs and healing for the new year.

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    1. Thanks, Ki! There are many, many people out there--men, women, and children--dealing with various forms of sexual abuse every day. I think one of the best ways to not only heal from it, but to eliminate it, is to talk about it. Hugs to you as well.

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  10. Oh dear God Catherine, I had no idea. I'm so very sorry for what you had to endure, and for how you've suffered over the years. My heart goes out to you, and to all the other innocents who have suffered like this. Hugs to you dear.

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    1. Thanks, Diane. I'm just glad to be able to have a means of working through it all in a productive way. :)

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    2. I'm glad too, that you have a means of working through it. Stay strong dear, and thank you for sharing your story with us. xx

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  11. Simply put, if you can write about it this honestly then yes, it probably helped. You're a brave woman.

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  12. I have not been a victim of date rape,but of years of sexual harrassment. It has been 15 yrs and I still have random triggers and meltdowns. I understand the whole blame yourself thought process too. It. Does. Get. Better. Counseling and kind and loving friends help,as well as forgiving yourself. Forgive me if I have added to your burden and not helped,please. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks, Amy! You absolutely have NOT added to my burden. It's been almost 15 years for me, too, and I know that I'm better every day. But it's a process. I just have to keep working through the process. Hugs to you, too!

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  13. Catherine,
    You have an amazing amount of inner strength, and I admire you so much for it. In the years I've known you, I've seen the steps you've taken to claim a life you want rather than accepting the one others have wanted to push on you. I have no doubt that writing Breakaway was another huge step toward healing. Your courage is clear in your willingness to open up about what has happened to you in the past. Quite possibly this could be the first time another person who was date raped has heard she is not to blame. What a powerful message.

    Big hugs for you, sweetie.

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    1. Thanks, Sam! I know I've made big strides lately toward claiming my own life, but it always feels like there is so much further to go. Love ya! :)

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  14. I hope it helps you, and I know it will help others. Hugs kiddo!

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  15. What an incredibly brave and giving thing to do. I have always admired you, but my admiration is only increased by your willingness to share this part of your life with others who can only benefit from your courage. That is what courage is - not the absence of fear, but the presence of grace to get up when fear knocks you down. Date rape is rape. Period. No exceptions. And this guy had better never cross my path. If he does, he's gator bait ! But he really isn't worth the effort. He is nothing; and you are everything good and bright and talented and amazing a woman can be. And your best self and best life are coming up, sister. You just wait and see !

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    1. Thanks, Louisa! If only I'd known about you and your gator farm back in the day, lol.

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  16. I'm late in reading this, but I just wanted to say how brave you are for sharing this. You're incredible. I'm glad you're finding somewhat peace of mind. You've helped me a lot since you moved to NC with deciding to self-publish and I'm so grateful to you. Just wanted you to know that you are a great person and I appreciate you!

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